A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
did i walk over a car last night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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