we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just took my morning after pill in the library
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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