god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
