Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize