I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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