I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
