considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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