I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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