You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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