my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
