grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
