I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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