i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
