not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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