I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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