I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you never un-have a 4some
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
