i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
