Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
