I look better un-naked...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
