i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
