I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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