When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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