I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
