Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
