Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
