My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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