I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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