I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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