I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
