worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
