Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
