you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
