why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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