Just fell off a train. Bad.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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