sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
