i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
