Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
