So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
