Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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