stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
