He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she peed on how many people?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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