Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
