Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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