I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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