fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
