My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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