eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
