i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
