Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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