I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
