I faked an abortion last night.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
