And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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