If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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