don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
