I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My cat gives me a boner
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
it's like heaven, but drunker
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize