She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
