I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
