I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
