I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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