im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
