____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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