Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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