so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
