mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize