i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
