Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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