Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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